Wording 5

[MalcolmBoone]

I am currently making a poster for a large bank. On the poster they want to get across to people that they offer Auto, Boat, and RV Financing. With what I have so far it would look better if I worded it as " Did you know that we offer financing for Auto, Boats, and even RVs! " My problem is that is doesnt seem gramaticly correct to me. I'm not sure how to fix it. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

 

[KornGeek]

Did you know that we offer financing for Auto, Boats, and even RVs!

I would change "Auto" to be "Autos" to be consistent.

Also, you are phrasing it as a question, but ending in an exclamation.

My suggestion would be either:

Did you know that we offer financing for Autos, Boats, and even RVs?

or

We offer financing for Autos, Boats, and even RVs!

Those are the grammar changes. As far as the wording goes, I would remove "even". In my opinion, it sounds almost condescending. Also I prefer "Cars" over "Autos", but that is a subtle change in meaning as well, so you should probably leave it. ("Autos" would included cars, trucks, motorcycles, etc.)

My personal suggestion would be:

We offer financing for Autos, Boats, and RVs!

 

[SantaMufasa]

My problem is that is doesnt seem gramaticly correct to me.

Malcolm, since this is the "Making an Impression" forum, I assert that you may have bigger (grammar) fish to fry than the fish from the "Grand Bank". <grin>


Also, may I suggest that the active voice, "I greatly appreciate any help," is far superior to the weak, passive voice, "Any help would be greatly appreciated."

I mention these issues because we are all family here, and we have more love for you than the cold, cruel world has for you...We care more than others care.

Also, KG's suggestion, "We offer financing for Autos, Boats, and RVs!" is what I would have said. It is clear, succinct, and powerful. Since KG beat me to the punch, he deserves a

.

Mufasa
(aka Dave of Sandy, Utah, USA)
[I provide low-cost, remote Database Administration services: www.dasages.com]

 

[MalcolmBoone]

Thank you both. I understand that my grammer is not all that great, which is why I wanted to get this corrected since it is for a "grand bank" I will definetly use your suggestions and will also make sure to come back here for any other questions I may have. Thank you


p.s. you can go ahead and tell me what's wrong with what I just wrote as well. It would be entertaining to me.

 

[DTSMAN]

Speaking of wording...Made a coworker go huh? when I said this,

What else didn't you do?

I am sure I have heard this before and did not make it up myself, I think. Either way thought it was funny after analyzing it and realizing that I have said this before.

Bo

Remember,
If the women don't find you handsome,
they should at least find you handy.
(Red Green)

http://www.redgreen.com

 

[Welshbird]

When I studied marketing in the past we were taught that absolutely correct grammar is not required in this kind of thing, as getting the message across is much more important.

And I have to say, I'm minded to agree!

Fee

The question should be [red]Is it worth trying to do?[/red] not [blue] Can it be done?[/blue]

 

[gbaughma]

Actually, it sounds a little boring.

How about something catchier?

"No matter how you play, we'll help you pay!" (with pictures of boats, RV's, autos, etc. etc.....
... then down towards the bottom, smaller, "Ask us how to finance your dreams today!"

Something along those lines....

... but then again, I've had quite a bit of poster/advertising training.




Just my 2¢
-ARRGH! All my clothes are wrinkled! Oh, the irony!

--Greg

http://parallel.tzo.com