I chuckled as I read your first set of requirements.
Now you can chuckle as I tell you how I used brute force to accomplish your second.
I was using a machine that didn't have Access so I used Excel.
1. Create a project plan that looks like the plan you want to end up with. I just used dummy tasks (t1, t2, t3, ...), and I put dummy data into the fields I thought you'd want to use (id, name, outline level, work, duration, start, finish).
2. Click File | Save As ..., select a name for the file, choose a spreadsheet in the "save as type" field and click on Save. This will launch the wizard for data export and you'll get a window with "Selective data" already chosen.
3. Click on the New Map button and you'll get the next screen. Give the map a memorable name and click on the "Tasks" check box (yeah, there are other possibilities ... let's keep it simple for now). This will set the Task Mapping tab to enabled.
4. Click on the Task Mapping tab. Give the Destination Worksheet name a memorable name. In the column labelled "From: Microsoft Project Field" select the various fields you want to export (in other words, select the various fields that, later on, you will be importing). ID and Outline Level are two of the fields you definitely want.
5. Eventually, you'll have all the fields you want. Click on OK. That will take you back a screen where the map you just created will be listed in the map scroll box. Select your map (if it isn't already selected) and click on the Save button.
6. Stay in project and start a new project. Minimize project.
7. Start Exel and open the spreadsheet you just created. That's your template for the column names.
8. Create a spreadsheet with all the information you want to import and give the columns the titles from the template. (It would probably be a good idea to keep the same column sequence but I didn't try checking to see what would happen if I tried using the same names but changed their position in the spreadsheet.) Save this spreadsheet.
9. Back in Project, click on File | Open and open the spreadsheet you just saved. You'll be asked to select a map (and worksheet name?? Can't remember) so select the map (and worksheet name, if necessary) you recently created, click on Open and ... Voila!
10. The reason I had you keep project open is that the map we just created is local to that instance of Project. I believe that if you want to make it persist, you'll need to move it to global.mpt using the organizer function. I didn't have time to check this out.