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Punography
5

Punography

Punography

(OP)
I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Energizer Bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.

RE: Punography

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Circumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.



2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.



3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.



4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.



5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.



6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.



7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.



8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.



9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.



10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.



11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.

The police are looking into it.



12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.



13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.

One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'



14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.

Then it hit me.



15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:

'Keep off the Grass.'



16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'



17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.



19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.



20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.



21. A backward poet writes inverse.



22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.



23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.



24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

Jim

RE: Punography

Everyone in Paris is mad. Only the river is Seine

I didn't go to see the film Malcolm X. I'd missed the first 9.

Aspiring to mediocrity since 1957

RE: Punography

“I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.”
Dorothy Parker

"I think I have a split personality" said Tom, being frank.
blllttt

“Knowledge is power. Information is liberating. Education is the premise of progress, in every society, in every family.” (Kofi Annan)
Oppose SOPA, PIPA, ACTA; measures to curb freedom of information under whatever name whatsoever.

RE: Punography

The last one reminds me of a saying I saw on a t-shirt:

Quote:

I would rather be in a boat with a drink on the rocks than in the drink with a boat on the rocks
Their other saying was,

Quote:

Practice safe food. Use condiments.
Since were on puns and as it is approaching St. Patrick's day we should include limericks, one of my favorite scenes out of Star Trek TNG was the early episode titled (if I recall correctly) The Naked Now which was a tribute episode to the classic series. In the episode, Data was reporting the strange goings on to Picard and Riker and the scene went something like this ...

Quote:

And there is someone in ten forwarward reciting a limerick. Curious. (Data gets a puzzled look) .. There once was a woman from Venus, whose body was shaped like a .... (Picard) DATA!


RE: Punography

Quote (MakeItSo)

“I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.”
Dorothy Parker


I think the medically correct quotation is:

"I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a pre-frontal lobotomy."

;^)

-----------
With business clients like mine, you'd be better off herding cats.

RE: Punography

Quote (Noway)


And there is someone in ten forwarward reciting a limerick. Curious. (Data gets a puzzled look) .. There once was a woman from Venus, whose body was shaped like a .... (Picard) DATA!

... I finished that one one day. :D

Just my 2¢

"What the captain doesn't realize is that we've secretly replaced his Dilithium Crystals with new Folger's Crystals."

--Greg http://parallel.tzo.com

RE: Punography

Ah, Venus de Milo ... Disarmingly lovely.

-- Francis
Francisus ego, sed non sum papa.

RE: Punography

What is a misgiving about a booking at a Native American resort.

Spoiler:


Reservation reservation reservation!

Skip,

glassesJust traded in my old subtlety...
for a NUANCE!tongue

RE: Punography

Here's a pun that cannot be as effective written as spoken.

Brothers purchase a cattle ranch and ask their dad to help them come up with an appropriate name. He replied, "Call the ranch 'Focus,' because its where the...

Spoiler:


sons raise meat."
Or.....
sun's rays meet."

Skip,

glassesJust traded in my old subtlety...
for a NUANCE!tongue

RE: Punography

A ship came near an island. The captain noticed some porpoises in the water. They said "We are the undying porpoises of Ishtar. We need your help. If you will catch a few of the seagulls here and take them up the hill and let them go, they will contact our brothers at the next island." The captain agreed to help, caught the gulls, landed, made his way up the hill. Upon the way, he encountered a lion. Upon asking the lion to move, it refused. The captain stepped over the lion, made his way up the hill, and released the gulls. Upon coming back to the ship, he found that another ship had come bringing a warrant for his arrest.

The charge was transporting gulls over a staid lion for immortal porpoises.

An unforeseen consequence of the information revolution has been the exponential propagation of human error.

RE: Punography

When you have to work that hard to manufacture a pun... I think it loses all its impact! smile

Annihilannic
tgmlify - code syntax highlighting for your tek-tips posts

RE: Punography

That reminds me of the old barefoot garlic eating monk, about whom it was said that he was a....

Super fragile calloused mystic plagued with halitosis.

Skip,

glassesJust traded in my old subtlety...
for a NUANCE!tongue

RE: Punography

Should that be "Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with hallitosis"...

"If it could have gone wrong earlier and it didn't, it ultimately would have been beneficial for it to have." : Murphy's Ultimate Corollary

RE: Punography

@snuv, blush Yes it should! blush

Skip,

glassesJust traded in my old subtlety...
for a NUANCE!tongue

RE: Punography

Or the headline in the Moscow newspaper after the Red Chinese delegation burst out laughing on a visit to the former Royal Family's tombs.

"Tsar Chasm is the Maoist form of wit."

<coat>

Aspiring to mediocrity since 1957

RE: Punography

How about the graduate students at the University of Cairo studying ancient Egyptian plumbing? They were pharaoh faucet majors.

Skip,

glassesJust traded in my old subtlety...
for a NUANCE!tongue

RE: Punography

The only one I can think for this thread is:

"She was bred in old Kentucky but she's only a crumb up here!"

RE: Punography

Anyone who's ever watched The Three Stooges knows that their episodes are replete with puns:

  • They once stayed at the Broken Arms apartments.
  • They were the campaign managers for the politician Hammond Eggar.
  • And who can forget The Great Svengarlic ("He'll steal your breath away!")

-- Francis
Francisus ego, sed non sum papa.

RE: Punography

What about "Dewey, Burnham, and Howe"

djj
The Lord is my shepherd (Psalm 23) - I need someone to lead me!

RE: Punography

I dropped out of Communism 101, due to lousy Marx!

When you vary the pitch of your voice while speaking in a department meeting, is that staff inflection?

In Britain, do they have a kidney bank or a liver pool?

If you hold the philosophies of Rene Descartes in higher esteem than the theories of Jan de Horst, then you place Descart before de Horst.

Skip,

glassesJust traded in my old subtlety...
for a NUANCE!tongue

RE: Punography

"See the deer? Has the deer a little doe? Yeah, two bucks!"
"Hey, he looks like a V-8! Have you ever heard of a V-5? No, is it an new car? No, it's a old sock! (smack!)"
"I'm in an aweful dillema!, Yeah, I don't care much for these foreign cars either."
""Boy you sure are umday. You mean I'm umday in pig language? Your umday in any language!"

RE: Punography

Or, as the Cockney described the Suffolk Punch to the Apis Mellifera shortly after the end of April:

May bee, it's a big horse - I'm a Londoner

Aspiring to mediocrity since 1957

RE: Punography

So did I until I read the link which is the one I found.

djj
The Lord is my shepherd (Psalm 23) - I need someone to lead me!

RE: Punography

Just saw this one:

-- Francis
Francisus ego, sed non sum papa.

RE: Punography

Quote (Francis)

Quote (Drs. Grant and Malcolm)

...Because the P is silent.

Reminds me of when I was a little kid, my mom had me practice reading by reciting newspaper headlines to her:

Quote:

I: Eddie 'Guitar Slim' Jones dies of "Puh-neumonia".

Mom: It's pronounced, "New-monia", dear...the 'P' is silent, like in swimming.

santaMufasa
(aka Dave of Sandy, Utah, USA)
“People may forget what you say, but they will never forget how you made them feel."

RE: Punography

Quote:

the 'P' is silent, like in swimming
Reminds me of a swimming teacher way back in the mists of time. Every new class he got started with the advice:

"The French word for swimming pool is Piscine which is just what we are not going to do!"

Aspiring to mediocrity since 1957

RE: Punography

More Three Stooges that I just thought of:

"We want peace!" "Yes, you want a piece of this and a piece of that!"

"Appease him!" Golf ball + golf club + rival ruler's head = Appeased!

RE: Punography

Why can't your hear a Pterodactyl urinate?

Bacause the "P" is silent.

Besides, they're extinct, which is why you can't smell it either!

That's one where on the one hand, seeing the spelling is better but on the other hand, not.

Skip,

glassesJust traded in my old subtlety...
for a NUANCE!tongue

RE: Punography

A guy goes to the doctor with a chronic condition the he describes like this.

“Doc, I’ve been having this problem with my hands. Ever since I can remember, I was ambidextrous and I could even amaze my friends by writing simultaneously with both hands, forward and backward.”

“Well, just recently, I’ve begun to have a spasm in my hands. I’ll be writing, and all of the sudden, my hand tremmors and jerks around, maybe for 15 or 20 seconds. But then when it’s all over, I look down at my paper, and here’s the craziest thing doc: If I was writing with my left hand, my shaky hand has written something that I did yesterday, and if I was writing with my right hand, I write something, it turns out, that will do tomorrow!”

“What’s happening to me, doc?”

So the doctor carefully examines each of his hands and wrists. “Hmmmm? Seems that you just might have a tick in each wrist that manifests itself in this strange way. It’s not a very common syndrome. But the fact that each wrist displays a distinctly different result, is the most puzzling to me.”

“You see, each wrist has a different wrist tick syndrome. On the one hand, you have a histo wrist tic syndrome, while on the other hand, you have a future wrist tic syndrome.”



And with that, my grandsons would groan!

Skip,

glassesJust traded in my old subtlety...
for a NUANCE!tongue

RE: Punography

<When you have to work that hard to manufacture a pun... I think it loses all its impact!

Perhaps I can improve. The Famous Flying Santorini Brothers were well known for their trapeze act. Their grand finale was called the Leviation Move, because Frank Santorini would fly so far and high that he appeared to be suspended in midair. Well, seems one day he had a fight with his girlfriend and tied one on. That night at the circus, the MC told the crowd that the Santorini act would have to be canceled because...

He who levitates is sauced.

An unforeseen consequence of the information revolution has been the exponential propagation of human error.

RE: Punography

Then there was the fellow who traveled all the way to remote Mercy, Australia to sample their world-famous Koala infusion tonic. He took a sip, and complained that it was full of Koala hairs. "Of course," said the waiter, "Everyone knows that the Koala tea of Mercy is not strained."

An unforeseen consequence of the information revolution has been the exponential propagation of human error.

RE: Punography

Dr Watson returns home to 221B Baker Street to find Holmes addressing a house painter who has apparently painted the porch and front street door of the apartment, a dazzling, pale yellow.
"What, ho! Holmes. That seems a little bright, to me, sir!" exclaimed Watson.
"It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson!" replied the indupitable Holmes.

RE: Punography

One doctor always stopped at a local bar after work for a hazelnut daiquiri - a special drink the bartender created just for him. One day, the bartender ran out of hazelnut flavor so he substituted hickory nuts instead.

The doctor took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, 'This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!'

'No, I'm sorry', replied the bartender, 'it's a hickory daiquiri, doc.'

-- Francis
Francisus ego, sed non sum papa.

RE: Punography

It was suggested that this might be appreciated here

A t-shirt that I bought my son

http://i.imgur.com/SlSQKai.jpg

**********************************************
What's most important is that you realise ... There is no spoon.

RE: Punography

Quote (Sam Bones)

...Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe...

And of course, the staff at Car Talk.

-----------
With business clients like mine, you'd be better off herding cats.

RE: Punography

If a toilet overflows, does that mean it can't handle s***?

RE: Punography

A gentleman running the B&O Railroad during WW2 was an elderly caucasian man. His name (I am not making this up) was Roy B. White.

Also, in the late 19th/early 20th century there was a woman who was a serious temperance activist. She used to carry a hatchet around to break up alcohol bottles in bars and saloons whereever she went. I always thought he name was always somehow fitting for what she was doing: Cary A. Nation.

RE: Punography

I'm sorry that it took me over a month to award RJoubert his well-deserved for starting this fun thread.

santaMufasa
(aka Dave of Sandy, Utah, USA)
“People may forget what you say, but they will never forget how you made them feel."

RE: Punography

The comment about Roy B. White reminded me of an old joke.

A Chinese couple, Mr. and Mrs. Wong, checked into their local hospital to have a baby. Immediately after delivery, Mr. Wong filed for divorce on the grounds that his wife was unfaithful. The evidence was clear: Two Wongs don't make a White.

--------------
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RE: Punography

-- Francis
Francisus ego, sed non sum papa.

RE: Punography

Once worked with a Forest Lane.

djj
The Lord is my shepherd (Psalm 23) - I need someone to lead me!

RE: Punography

So, if we're embarking on unconventional names, I'll start with some interesting religious leaders:

  • Our local religious leader's surname was Bishop, so his title, of course, was Bishop Bishop.
  • While serving as a missionary, I was teamed up for awhile with Elder Elder.
  • One of the top religious leaders in the Catholic Church from the Philippines is Cardinal Sin.
And from the secular world, going to WhitePages.com it's pretty easy to locate many entries for:

  • Mr. Mister and Mrs. Mister
  • Everywhere there are thousands of people that are Mr. Wright
  • Mickey Mouse, Micki Mouse, Nicki Mouse, and Minnie Mouse in just New York alone.
  • In California, Fu Yu, Hau Yu (fine, thank you very much), and Rong Yu and Derong Yu (how do you know when you have found Daright Yu?)
  • Multiple states with José Canusi
  • In California, Hye Me, Ja K Me, Phong Me, Hung Me, C Me, Chin Me, Bill Me (later?), Hu Me (yes, you). And in New York, Cherish Me
  • In California, two "lucky ladies" married into their names, Penny Wise. Three more share that name in New York.
  • Multiple entries for Tom Swift throughout the land.
  • Multiple entries for Joe Cool, as well. In California, Gomer Cool (How can you have the name Gomer and be still be Cool?)
  • In California, Sommer Mann (and what happens during the rest of the year?), D J Mann (what a cool job !), Richard Mann (Please don't call me "Dick".) Lucky Mann, and 9 entries for Anita Mann (with one of them being married to Kamal Mann).
I'm tired now...more some other time.

santaMufasa
(aka Dave of Sandy, Utah, USA)
&amp;quot;People may forget what you say, but they will never forget how you made them feel.&amp;quot;

RE: Punography


Where I live there was a police constable with the last name of Copp - Constable Copp. Also a Constable Law.

Hope this helps.

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RE: Punography

The current Lord Chief Justice of England and Wales is Lord Judge (Igor Judge before his ennoblement).

And...

When I met and married "Miss Right" I didn't know her first name was "Always"

Aspiring to mediocrity since 1957

RE: Punography

Way back in the 1980's, when we still used multi-part perforated forms in our printers, our forms account rep was named Dick Devine. And while I was in grad school, I worked with a Robin Hood. Why do parents name their kids in such ways?

====================================
Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side because there is more manure there - original.

RE: Punography

I worked with a guy named Jim Engineer. Or how about someone with the last name Bright. Is their middle name Ain't?

RE: Punography

I knew a lady named Penny Nichols

Be Alert, America needs more lerts

RE: Punography

I know someone named Gravely - who works at a cemetery.

-- Francis
Francisus ego, sed non sum papa.

RE: Punography

There is a town called Engineer in Tanzania.

Annihilannic
tgmlify - code syntax highlighting for your tek-tips posts

RE: Punography

How about John Cash Penny?

Skip,

glassesJust traded in my old subtlety...
for a NUANCE!tongue

RE: Punography

Nobody's Business

I remember Bob Hudson as a Morning drive time radio host in Boston in the 70's. Hudson & Landry did some great comedy skits, including a remake of Who's on First.

I belly laugh every time I listen!

Skip,

glassesJust traded in my old subtlety...
for a NUANCE!tongue

RE: Punography

Hudson and Landry.....I loved those guys.....the Weird Kingdom was great....thanks for the memories....

Be Alert, America needs more lerts

RE: Punography

Ahhh, the gold 'gator tooth! winky smile

Skip,

glassesJust traded in my old subtlety...
for a NUANCE!tongue

RE: Punography

actually a croc' after second thot.

The new and improved Whp's On First include some dialog like...

S: Our center fielder's a girl, you know.
P: Is that so.
S: No, it's Sue.
P: Sue who?
S: That's right! Our first baseman's wife!

Skip,

glassesJust traded in my old subtlety...
for a NUANCE!tongue

RE: Punography

bigsmile and the flatirons hanging from the earlobes...

Be Alert, America needs more lerts

RE: Punography

"I couldn't live like that!"

Skip,

glassesJust traded in my old subtlety...
for a NUANCE!tongue

RE: Punography

We have a Penny Nichols and a Brandee Drinken where I work.


Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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