US IT Jobs left for this fall...
US IT Jobs left for this fall...
BS company seeking a mid level Systems Administrator. Must also have sales, analyst, engineering, architect, electronics, nuclear plant management and soldering experience.
You need to be on call 24/7 - 365 So we can call you at 3am if the coffee maker is broken.
Must be related to Bill Gates but have a chisled jawline (3rd cousins are ok).
You must also be a programmer so we don't have spend $90k yr for one.
You must also be a database admin so we don't have to spend $70k yr for one
You must also be a web designer AND developer so we don't have to spend $60k yr each for them.
Must have willingness to field Level I helpdesk calls for 2000 "EU's". So we dont have to spend $27k yr for one.
Must have 10+ years experience with no less than everything below...
Experience with every IT acronym know to man preferred:
LAN, WAN, ASP, VPN, SAN, VoIP, HTML XHTL, CSS, AS3, Web 2.0, AJAX, CRM, SQL, VBS, IIS, VPN, .NET, DHTML, XSL, XSLT, SAN, NAS, KVS/ADIC, EMC EDL, and everything else we dont feel like typing here.
Experience with every service known to man preferred:
Terminal Services, IIS Server, Application Servers, Exchange, and SQL, VLAN, Virtual Server, SQL and Oracle Databases, RedHat, SUSE, Debian, Cisco, UniObjects, McData and everything else we dont feel like typing here.
Detailed understanding of every advanced Windows Service, app and task known to man including:
Terminal Services, Application Servers, VLAN, Virtual Server, SQL and Oracle Databases, RedHat, SUSE, Debian, Cisco, UniObjects, McData, McNugget, Share Point Exchange, SQL Server, MS Clustering, Storage Area Networks, Citrix Metaframe, and VBScripting / PowerShell, Milking cows and other farm animals a plus.
Message admin and programming experience with Exchange AND Domino (just in case we decide to go back to that POS)
Windows 2000, 2003, 2008 installation, configuration, and administration in an Enterprise Environment.
(Because Server 08 has been out a whole 10 months, YOU should have mastered it by now and we just don't believe you can get up to speed with only server 03 experience because 08 is SOO much different.)
Speaking of which...
Master level experience with every OS ever invented preferred:
Window 3.1, 95, 98, ME....Window 7, beOS, UNIX, OSX, OS9, Solaris, UNIVAC, Plan 9,OSDev, OS/2 and of course Linux cause everyone uses it and it's so hippy-cool to stick it to the man command line style!!
Actual Quote: Must also be able to sweep the floor, no
Must also have experience with all technologies that haven't even been invented yet.
PHD in Rocket Science
A+ (because a certification proving you know how many pins are on a floppy cable from 1995 is more important than 12 years experience and a BSCS degree!!)
...Or 50 years equivelent experience.
DoD level IV Secret Clearance and approved by the director of the CIA is Required (because we are too cheap to buy it for you so only people who worked for Boeing or govt will get this job. Problem is, Boeing and the govt are too good to their employees so they aren't on the market anyway.)
Compensation? how about $30-40k? What you say? Yea thats half of what you made last year but we like to pretend the economy has hit us too. It's all the rage now!
Yea we know you are STILL paying Fannie for that $45k college education from the 90's your parents told you you had to have or else you would be a broke street bum. But we really appreciate it and wouldn't look at your resume without it, it's just that an A+ cert and the $10k MCSE proving you know floppy cables and DOS is much more important these days.
1 week paid vacation but tell your family goodbye on Christmas, your our bch now.
Sorry, no health insurance for you, thats another trendy thing to deny people these days. But hey the insurance company we offer might deny your claims anyway!
To apply send your resume, grandmas urn and 1st born to: